What the world is going through 

I would like to start off by saying, amidst the troubles of the world since the beginning of 2020, haven’t experienced such a worldly outrage of events circulating that not only would be costly to lives in health and the global economy. Because of the spread of the virus and not understanding its circumstances, world leaders opted to manage it their own way. Meanwhile, a spark of injustice in America concerning police brutality amongst the Black community pushing for a reformation in the police force, causing peaceful protestors to demonstrate the injustice. However, it also attracted the mobs of rioters and looters that had no intention to bring forth to the cause, rather orchestrating destruction to local businesses that had nothing to do with the protests. 

While we are facing these experiences of woes and tribulations, we also encounter personal troubles in our lives. Some may encounter financial problems, health issues, and so on. The troubles that often occur are more personal and undoubtedly what we are experiencing globally through these difficult times, will only unite us even more to bring peace and prosperity. As long as we are able to open our minds and our hearts, and with compassion we will persevere toward a greater humanity. There will always be challenges if issues are never brought forth. Until then, we should unite and prosper for a better living. 

Before it all began

In 2019, I’ve never experienced so many problems that would occur one right after the other. When things don’t go your way, understandably anybody would be frustrated and would probably make irrational decisions that often become destructive. An emotional intelligent person would be able to perceive these problems as an experience of suffering and eventually move on. 

When you’ve gone through life lessons, growth will determine how you react. To make things quite clear, it’s taken me many many years of questionable decision making that eventually got me to make better decisions in life. It hasn’t been perfected nor will it ever be, it’s just gotten better. Even through trail running, I still make questionable decisions that determine how I prioritize things in life and I’ll go out of my way in saying that I put myself at risk financially and in health. Although these risks may not seem to be beneficial to others, contrary to the opinion, it’s served me to become the person that I am today. Perhaps it wouldn’t allow me to strive to build the platform I am building today. 

When it all began

So let me begin with my story with my experiences from 2019. I was looking forward to the start of a new year filled with bigger goals, more opportunities to build upon, and life changes to make. I had accomplished big achievements throughout 2016 to 2018 through running and in life. I had gained experiences through the outdoor industry that was once dreamt of and became reality. Because of my loyalty to the Merrell brand, they saw my work and dedication through trail running and granted me as an ambassador to the sport, featured me on a catalogue and website, and invited me as a trail running lead in an outdoor weekend event. I couldn’t be more proud of myself to have made it this far in life, where before, I was a lost soul without determination and overwhelmed with not very many accomplishments in my life. 

When life seemingly shown the light, it took a turn when the rug slipped right underneath me. It all began on the night of Christmas eve, when I got done from a work shift at my restaurant serving job and a coworker and I went out for a quick drink at a dive bar down the street. Being extremely negligent on my part, we parted ways and I was driving home by myself about 15 minutes out. I was on the freeway and it had rained just earlier and the roads were slick. I decided to take an exit about half way home to take the back roads instead. I figured I would get onto familiar back roads when I made the exit and it didn’t take too long for me to find that the roads weren’t familiar at all. Maybe if I quickly google map my directions I would find my way back, unbeknownst to me I would be fast approaching a three way stop and the area was poorly lit. Well, either being distracted on my phone for directions, the poor lighting on the streets, and leaving from the bar, would dictate my inability to make an immediate reaction to keep me from what would change my life.

I woke up in a state of confusion, I must’ve been unconscious for sometime. Glaring at my windshield shattered, there’s a buzzing from the dashboard going off, there’s smoke from the hood of the car, and I’m feeling extremely distraught. There is more confusion settling after having drinks from the bar, however, I was also out cold from a collision. Fortunately no one else was involved and the only damage occurred other than myself and my car, was the wet ground that had my tire tracks, and the tree and brick wall that I collided with. Luckily the tree was the first thing I struck on the passenger side, where it took most of the impact and the car slid and hit the brick wall on the driver side. The car was definitely done for and before I even realized as I was trying to turn the key to start the car in a panic. The ignition was dead after plenty of tries as I proceed to try and let myself out before there would be more danger to come. I had to shove the door open with my shoulder not being aware of any injuries. Not knowing what to do, I figured I’d be in great trouble and could end up in jail, so I immediately made a few calls to get away from the incident and deal with the vehicle in the morning. I would get a ride later in the morning to see the vehicle where the collision took place and the car was in the process of being towed. I was going to grab for my belongings, but it had been too late. I would have to make a call with the CHP in order to retrieve my belongings from the tow yard. 

So much for a Christmas day, it wasn’t until the day after that I’d find out I accrued an injury with a fractured left clavicle, one of my ribs on the left rib cage had a hairline fracture, and had two fractured metacarpals on my right hand.  It was surely devastating and fortunate on my part that no other lives were at cost for my irresponsible decision. Also escaping possible jail time and what would’ve been a lifetime of financial burden. Albeit the risks involved from being inebriated after driving, I still feel that the determining cause of the collision was from being unaware of the three way stop as I vividly recall driving right thru and entering the back entrance of a driveway that stood with two brick pillars on each side. How could I have prevented myself from colliding with anything else other than immediately slamming the breaks when it was too little too late. I could have wound up dead and would have falsely been determined as a drunken death without even being able to oppose of the result. If that intersection was well lit and even until this day, it remains to be the same, I know for certain that the collision would have been avoided. However, there is no dial to turn back time but I’m fortunate that I’m still alive to live another day. 

Despite dodging any other complications, the unfortunate events would continue on. I don’t exactly subscribe to karma, but I try to do as much good and be an ethical person. Decisions that I’ve made end up being the results that I get and I take full responsibility. However, when there are things that happen that is out of your control, it’s difficult to resist the idea that some force is pushing against you and that the world is weighing down on you even more. 

Right after the new year, I was able to get money from my car insurance and would utilize this to purchase a new vehicle. Of course with my financial instability and not being able to afford a car payment, I took what I was given to find something affordable. I found a vehicle through a personal seller where it seemed too good to be true. The value of the car was a bit low and the mileage seemed a bit low for the cost. Of course with my irrational decision, I proceeded to go for the vehicle, only to later find out that the mileage on the odometer did not match the Carfax report and that the title was under a different name. However, the vehicle wasn’t reported as stolen but would further complicate things to transfer the title under my name. It took a few months to get things settled and I still drive the vehicle until this day, and for what it cost, it has been running like a champ.

All the while right after purchasing the vehicle, it wasn’t too long after the new year in 2019 that more problems would occur. I was sharing an apartment with a roommate that was undergoing new ownership and would eventually go under a temporary construction, which under the new ownership estimated that we would be displaced for an estimate of two weeks. But because my name wasn’t on the lease, it would leave me out of a place to stay where an option of a hotel would typically be given to the renter. The options for my roommate and I weren’t in our favor, so my roommate took it upon herself to stay put until the lease was done in the following March. The temporary construction was due to the hazardous mold that developed because the previous owner did nothing to repair the damages and therefore, the repairs would take longer than the estimated two weeks, pretty much forcing us out indefinitely. And so we stood our ground, but the mold problem became more of a health issue, causing for thick air and heavy breathing inside the apartment. Since I wasn’t exactly in a great condition after my accident, I was put into a sling with my left arm and a splint on my right arm, rendering me virtually useless. By the time my roommate and I decided that we should leave the apartment, I was capable of using my right arm for a majority of the lifting, while lightly using my left arm. I also had help from friends and family and moved most of my things into a storage I had been renting. 

While further complicating things, I do own a dog. An American Pit Bull named Jazz that I’ve raised since he was short of two months. Well, when your a dog owner that has a breed restriction in most rental places, it is difficult to get by when you do not own a home, yet alone if you reside in certain states that do not permit this type of breed. Because I would become technically homeless, I was fortunate to have family and friends in the area. Also due to my injury, I was going to be out of work, so it put me in a position where I could stay in the area with friends or family, or else with my mom back home, roughly 3 hours away, was open to her 1 bedroom apartment for Jazz and I. Now, I could’t leave the option out with my mother, being that I was out of work, with no more than a few hundred dollars saved, and no health insurance, I couldn’t claim disability pay unless I had a physician to approve me not being able to work. I did sign up for health insurance a couple weeks after the accident, however, the health insurance would not begin until the next month which was another couple of weeks. Until then, I’d be able to schedule an appointment with a physician and who knows how long that would take thereafter. 

After moving my belongings, Jazz and I drove to stay with my mom. It was a real treat being that I was only able to see her roughly a handful times out of the year and I’d possibly stay with her for about 2 - 3 weeks. She was also hospitable to assist me with food, which helped tremendously since I was short of money. 

Once my health insurance was approved, I found a physician back where I was staying and scheduled an appointment right away, but it wouldn’t be for another week. Finally when the day of the appointment came, Jazz and I left from my moms early in the morning, where I would be in certain areas during rush hour. When I was mid way of the commute, I just so happened to be in an area where there was rush hour. The traffic was moving and I was on the number 1 lane. I had my foot on the gas pedal when all of a sudden, the car felt like it was slowing down and I pressed down with my foot, but the car wasn’t accelerating. I had managed to get my car five lanes over to the other side of the shoulder, also where another freeway would merge, so it made things a bit more difficult. Fortunately I wasn’t too far from the exit and the ramp happened to go at a descent and allowed my vehicle to move without having to press down on the pedal. 

I had been stuck in a not so great part of town. I was there for more than half the day and had to reschedule my doctor appointment the following week, leaving me out of getting my disability approved right away. In short, my oldest brother Ray was helpful in finding a nearby auto shop to diagnose the vehicle which ended up being the front and back catalytic converters that needed replacing. Fortunately the place I took the vehicle to cost about a third of what the usual price would be. And so my brother Ray was able to come to the rescue after he was done from work. He had picked up Jazz and I, and we would end up staying at his place for a couple of weeks, where he was also hospitable to help us get by. 

The day I was scheduled for my appointment was across town, I had come to my good friends Zac and his girlfriend Rose’s apartment and would eventually stay at their place for the time being. It was just a few hours before the appointment until I get notice that the physician had an emergency. Just my luck. I was able to find another doctor right away and scheduled another appointment for the day after. The onset of unfortunate events just kept compiling, however, I was able to see the doctor the next day and got signed off for disability leave and disability insurance. 

Zac, Rose, and I had planned to room together after my lease was done, which also happened to be the same time as theirs. Because I was short sided of having to evacuate the premises, it allowed us to have the time to look for places much sooner. Zac, Rose and I looked tirelessly for places and scheduled showings for the following weeks. We stumbled across a personal renter that had all the accommodations we were looking for. We contacted the person and was given a showing the same day and we were eager to put in our names for the application. Another opportunity that seemed too good to be true, we all filled out the application and was approved by the owner that same day. There was no questions about my dog and especially for his breed. The following day, I get a call late at night from the renter, explaining to us that there was a mistake. The renter had intended another person to lease the apartment to and they had mistaken us. We were all agitated with the mishandling and didn’t have much time either, so we had to go back to the drawing board and looked for more places and scheduled more appointments for showings. 

It’s March 5th on a Monday and it was just Jazz and I on the way to a showing for an apartment in the afternoon. I was on the freeway and I was about 15 minutes from the place when I get a text from my cousin back from home. I quickly read that my mom was in a critical condition and that things weren’t looking so great. I had to call Zac and let him know the situation and that I had to rush back home immediately, leaving it upon him and Rose to do the searching. I had to drive in the middle of rush hour and what typically takes three hours without traffic, I managed to get into town in the three hours. During that time, I had no idea what had happened to her and was only able to get brief details from my extended family. I got to the hospital to see that my mom was placed in the Intensive Care Unit. 

A memorable past time

In 2017, I was reaching the height of my trail running and racing was at an all time high. I had been entered into the Western States 100 Mile Endurance Run, a prestigious race that most ultra running athletes try to enter. The difficulty of getting in is an extremely difficult process and I happen to get lucky to get in. I had called my mom once I got news that I’d be a participant and she was so proud of me and my achievements. For roughly a decade, my immediate family hasn’t gotten along and I was really the only person between my two older brothers and mother to maintain a relationship amongst each other. After my father passed in the summer of 2002, our family had been off and on with consoling from past issues and then inflicted with new ones, causing irreparable damage that would last for years. My older brother Larry being the middle child was reputable as the black sheep of the family and had constant battles with my mother. The last on going battle kept them from any contact that lasted for almost ten years. My oldest brother Ray got into it with my brother Larry that ended up keeping them from any communication for at least five years. My relationship with everyone else however, was kept at bay and avoided having to talk to either person about family issues. For a long time, I wanted to console with each of them to bring the family together. What we were missing out on was potential gatherings of peace and love. 

A memorable moment during these times was when our extensive family had a reunion and all of my mothers siblings individual families grouped up for family photos. Because of the current state of our family problems, my extensive family was encouraging us to come closer together for the family picture when it was our turn and having to stand their while my own family was awkwardly close yet so far apart. It felt extremely uncomfortable that we didn’t have the same relationship as my extensive family did with their own. It was a burden that I carried for so long and perhaps may have been part of the reasoning I sought running for therapy. It wasn’t until late 2016 or early 2017 when my immediate family began to mend their relationships, eventually letting bygones be bygones. I don’t have enough of a voice to bring a resolution in times of conflict, I was able to avoid the awareness of the family issues coming to light and being the middleman for our family to reconcile. It happened organically and I was happy that it happened in the time I was set to run the biggest race of my life. And in doing so, my family was their to support me for the 2 days of the race, all during the day when it was hot and into the cold night. Having seen my mom in the middle of the race was a huge surprise that even she stayed for a few hours waiting for my arrival to cheer me on, although I only had about 15 minutes to stick around and go on my way. Having to cross the finish line was a big accomplishment that day, especially for the amount of suffering I had to deal with, all was worth having my family together. It is a memorable time in my life that I’ll always keep in my heart, that my family after so long of despair, was finally brought together. 

Fighting for a breath of life

As I entered the hospital room my mom was in, I saw her with wires and needles on both of her arms and a breathing tube down her throat. She was unconscious and on life support. How was it that I had stayed with her for a couple of weeks not too long ago, to see her in the ICU in the state she was in. Now, she wasn’t exactly in the greatest condition to begin with, as she had a history of on going health problems that ranged from back problems, arthritis, overweight, and was barely avoiding any real dangers of cancer or diabetes, which our family genetics consist of. I was always concerned about her health and encouraged her to a change in lifestyle, but it was difficult to talk to her about it when it would end up in an argument. 

I had learned from my aunt who was with her when my mom fell ill. She was becoming short of breath while in line at the CVS picking up her prescription. My mom had collapsed and the EMT arrived quickly to resuscitate her after being unconscious for about 20 minutes. They were able to get her into an ambulance and then she suddenly became unconscious again for another 20 minutes after trying to resuscitate her once more. They couldn’t do much after that and they brought her immediately into the ICU. This had happened early afternoon when there weren’t huge signs of her health conditions to get her checked into the hospital at the time. 

Shortly after I arrived, my oldest brother and his significant other Alice came. Then my older brother Larry with his wife Myeisha and my three nephews Malachi, Maleek, and LJ came after. My mother had a few of her siblings in the room as well and it was a very difficult time to experience for the 5 days she was placed in intensive care. It wasn’t looking good even if she came out alive from it. 

The medical team had done an MRI the following Wednesday and got the results the next morning, finding a lot of cavities in her brain from being unconscious for so long. The only part of her brain that was still in tact was which allowed her bodily organs to function. Even if she was to remain alive, it would be foregoing in immense care and for a lack of a better term, a vegetable body that would be cared for until she’d pass. It would also change the lives of my siblings and I to care for her, being in an unconscious state. However, being in that condition wouldn’t be ideal nor would it be fair for a person to undergo the rest of their life that way. And so, my immediate and extensive family had to come to an extremely tough decision on whether or not to keep her on life support or to let her go. It would have been inhumane to keep her alive when there were no signs of hope. 

While I was there, it was hard to imagine a life without her and a life with her in the condition she was in. Thinking of any slight miracle that she may get out of it alive and turn out well, seemed too far in between. There was no medical advancement in place that would allow for the dead regions of her brain to be revitalized and so all I could think of was the unfortunate events I was put in to lead me to stay with my mom before her passing. For me to have gone through the traumatic events from making an ill fated decision to drive after having some drinks to wake up from being unconscious and a car crash, I would do it all over again a million times to relive staying with my mom. However, there is no turning back and all that can live on is cherishing the memories of her well being and the relationship we shared. I should also mention that I am her birthday boy, August 17th.

Being as difficult as it is to go through a death of a loved one, the stress added on as we had to make funeral arrangements and also having to manage her personal belongings. It was a rough month also having to deal with my living situation and caring for my dog at the same time. With the help of my siblings, we had worked tirelessly to get my mothers apartment cleaned out, cancel her bills, rent, bank accounts, and online subscriptions she had. Neighbors from her apartment stopped by and gave their condolences and sharing their relationship with her. It was very moving to me to hear how much of an impact she had on these people, especially how generous she was even though she didn’t have a lot. From that time being, I had to make a vow to myself that I’d be able to accomplish as much as I can in remembrance of both my parents. Despite not being alive, it’s in my heart that I’d make them proud of the things that I do, especially if it’s what I enjoy out of life. 

I’ve had to spend the following months grieving. I took a couple more months off as I was supposed to be going back to work under special conditions. But because of the passing of my mother, I wasn’t ready to go back. Eventually as the months would follow, so did my livelihood. I felt that I could’t carry on the burdens of my belated mother, as she would want me to live my life to the fullest. 

I had a few races lined up for the year and the first one on the list was in April, just shortly after my mom passed. I hadn’t done much training due to the injury I had from the collision, the moving, and my mothers passing. The race I was in was the Lake Sonoma 50 Mile Endurance Run. I managed to finish with just a couple of minutes to spare from the qualifying cut off time. As I got a chair to sit down after crossing the finish line, I couldn’t help but to think of my mom. As usual after a big race, I would call her and tell her how my race went. Of course, this time around it wouldn’t be happening. I had to take a moment as I sat there and knew, whether or not if I finished, my mom would still be proud that I even tried and that’s what I loved most from her. Rather than making me feel shamed of my downfalls, she was always there to encourage me and remind me that I could still give it another shot. 

I would go on and get out to my second race of the year in May, the Miwok 100K. I was doing as much training as I can, however, this race would eat me up as I would have to chase cut off times and I ended up calling it a day at around mile 25. 

The big race I was training for was my second attempt with the Tahoe Rim Trail 100 Mile Endurance Run in late July. The previous year I had dropped out due to the raging California fires and all the smoke would carry out to the greater Tahoe area where the smoke would settle. It was a tough time having to breath in the smoky air and as a result, I was getting headaches and slight hypoxia from the high altitude, and so I decided to call it at around mile 38. As for the second attempt, the underlying issue of dealing with being at higher altitude, hypoxia would again set in. It’s difficult enough to deal with a body going through a lot of pain, but any sort of problem with the brain, was not something for me to gamble with. And I would drop from this race once again, at the same aid station at mile 38.

I was put on the waitlist for the Angeles Crest 100 Mile Endurance Run that was held in early August, which was two weeks after the race in Tahoe. The waitlist began to decrease as the days progressed and I would eventually be entered into the race. I made my way there as I would go through some obstacles as I began to chase cut off times, deal with hypoxia, and the lack of desire to continue moving forward. I thought I’d be safe from cut off times and that I’d be able to tough it out at high altitude for the first half of the race. But because of the hypoxia, it hit the hardest when I was feeling the head throbbing, the feeling of dozing off, and stomach issues. I figured for how much I was capable of doing since I started running, that I’d be better off calling it a day and so I dropped out at the mile 40 aid station. 

More to follow

Having gone through these experiences, there were moments I felt as though I would fall into a depression or some sort of mental breakdown. As a proponent of the use of psychedelics and it’s potential, my use of it during this time allowed me to cope with the events I had gone through and to appreciate the life I have. More so did it make me aware of not taking this life for granted. It has been a time of having to utilize my time and effort into getting my life on track. Taking interest in things in my life and ever so getting better at it, has been a work in progress but definitely going toward the direction where I’d want to be. It’s hard not to say, but I do have regrets that I didn’t make use of my time in accomplishing my goals from graduating college to entering a profession that I’d enjoy. Being able to talk to my mom how well I’ve become because of the career I’d gotten into. Being financially stable and making more frequent visits with her and taking her out to dinner. But because I was able to accomplish the things I did over the past few years, my mom was still and will always be proud of me no matter what. She even mentioned that there is nothing to be ashamed of because I tried. It gave me the reassurance that life doesn’t allow success without trying and I’m constantly reminded of that. The words of wisdom bestowed from my mom is one of the many things that I cherish from her. 

Because of the worldly events that have taken place, I’ve become numb to the tragedies of goals that don’t pan out, most especially with the cancellation of events for 2020. I am reluctant however, as a non essential worker and where I would normally be training for my races, I am taking advantage of this time off to pursue my interests and hobbies that had been neglected for sometime. Having learned from the events in my life last year, utilizing my time and energy toward my passions and giving a 100% rather than maybe 40% or 92%. Regaining consciousness after my collision became a pivotal moment in time. What if I didn’t wake up from the accident? What if I didn’t go out for drinks after work that night? What if I didn’t get my shit together just as I have been recent?

However these are hypotheticals to think but I’m living the moment and I have to move forward. I have gratitude for this life that was given and have a deeper appreciation. Time is so precious and the only thing that is certain is death. So being able to utilize my time and energy toward things that matter is all I ever think of pursuing, and making an impact to those around me just as my mother did for those around her is what I hope to accomplish in this lifetime. RIP Rosalina Linda Tajan.

Don’t let it end here...

For those facing difficulties of tragedies, unfortunate events, and the like, keep hopeful in these stressful times. It is definitely a lot to absorb when you have a pandemic, unemployment increased drastically, non essential businesses shutdown, public events shutdown, a movement of protest against police brutality, and a president that is barely giving hope to the citizens, are heavy to bare and it’s only June. Looking toward a positive life is still there. There will always be obstacles and during these times, it is a true testament on how we can overcome and be stronger than ever. We have faced adversity even before the events that followed in 2020, but we can surely find bliss as long as we’d make a change within ourselves and our future. 

I have to give big special thanks to all of those that helped me during my unfortunate events of 2019. Between my serving job and retail job, many of my peers were supportive and helpful of my well being and I am forever grateful for their help. Making funeral arrangements for my mother seemed so overwhelming finding the funeral costs to be as expensive as it is, we got so much love from friends and family to help donate to give her a peaceful burial. To those who reached out for my well being, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I couldn’t be more expressive and thankful enough for those who’ve been involved in my life. Thank you.