BREAKING THE BARRIER

Intro 

I’m already at the edge with no resolutions. Everything came tumbling down and filled with pressure, not a thought of getting out of the rubble is a possibility. Looking for an exit is much easier than facing anymore terms of endearment. But could it be regretful to just let it all go?

Looking at defeat in a different way, not because of the team your competing against, but because your’e competing against yourself. Is it all mental or physical? Could you keep going or have you reached your limit? Whatever it takes, you’d be surprised how much you can endure with the power of pure will.

Facing Hardships

Being inflicted with hours of pain and suffering isn’t my first rodeo. Yes, it does suck, but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, one way or the other. I’m already nearing the end of my first 100 mile endurance run with the Rio Del Lago 100 Miler held in the greater Sacramento area, fortunately accompanied with my long time good friend Aaron, who was my second pacer from mile 80 to the finish, all through the night and early morning. I could have easily given up when I was with my first pacer Ali who met me at mile 60, having to listen to my gripes and groans from dry heaving, vomiting, and muscle cramps. Aaron also had to take the brunt of it all with the long hours on the trails, when he had just met with me once I got to the aid station after a long 3 hour drive. Having accrued more suffering by then, I was on the verge of giving up, but Aaron had driven all that way and I couldn’t let anyone down by dropping out of the race. We venture on our way out after taking a moment to rest, changing into a fresh shirt and socks, and tried to take in whatever calories I can get. 

Having trained six or so months for this big race held in the beginning of November, I had encountered almost everything thought up on a trail running endurance run. Although a new problem presented itself and I wasn’t sure if I’d endanger myself and end up not being able to participate in another race. Ever. No matter what, I had to get my first 100 mile endurance run under my belt. 

I’ve never felt a strain so bad in my left achilles tendon before and it seemed it was likely to snap, at least that’s what was going on in my mind. Initially I felt this pinch on my achilles and it went from bad to worse in a span of 5-10 miles, all the while my right achilles began to feel the same way, but not as detrimental. From mile 70, it felt like I could cope with the new pain while still going through all the other pains, but kept thinking if it’s even worth it all. I didn’t have health insurance at the time and there was no way I’d be able to afford surgery if that’s what it came down to. I never even got professional advice on it!

From time to time, the pain would be at bay, but then would also become unbearable to move forward. There were times both Aaron and I had to pull over to the side on an already narrow trail to rest it and I was even pampered to have my loyal pacer massage both of my achilles. 

Having come across this new pain is what I did not foresee, yet alone know how to counter the problem. Knowing the commitment and fortitude of preparation and sacrifice, really the one thing on my mind was earning my right to get to the finish. I have deep respect for those not only able to accomplish such feat at running 100 miles at once, but for anybody to endure as much tribulations on their own will. And all for what? Hopefully that feeling will be worth it.

I couldn’t be dishonest to myself, this new venture I found just a couple years prior was the height of my success in life. Even if during this race wasn’t the day for me, I could always give it another try the following year. 

However, dropping out of this race wasn’t going to be an option. I wasn’t about to let down Ali who had to stomach hearing me vomit and dry heave numerous times. I didn’t want Aaron’s healing hands go to waste. And so I was determined and wanted to know exactly what it’s like, not for anybody else’s experience but for my own, to complete a 100 mile endurance run.

Mental Dexterity

Even though I was trembling, almost debilitated from the pain of the achilles tendons, all I could think of was that anybody else could’ve given up. If quitting was my choice, then I would carry a burden of guilt and shame. It sounds ridiculous I know, but I had dropped out of a number of trail running races before the big 100 miler. My first dropout was my first 50 miler, which I never came back to finish the following year. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I seemed to have lacked electrolytes and was feeling queasy in the stomach. I was at mile 25 when I decidedly dropped from the race. The second time around was just a few months later at another 50 miler. Similar issues as the previous race, but in addition to not being acclimatized to the blistering Sacramento heat. 

Everyone has a different method to their approach, not only including the years of experience and really understanding their own body. That being said, people I’ve come across on the road and trails, nicely chatted with a stranger such as myself and kindly gave their own advice. Of course not all solutions are absolute, it is proper to take every word given with a grain of salt. What is also more effective is being able to pay attention to the body and understand what is going on in order to eliminate any other problems. 

A big tip is to take out the earbuds on the trails. Not only will you be able to listen to the wonderful sounds that nature has to offer, but you’re also able to listen to what your body is telling you. The lesser distractions, the better. 

It helps to get every bit of information from people you meet or what you read and then test what works during the months of training. Keep in mind that if one solution doesn’t work for the time being, perhaps months or even years later, it may come back to help you once and for all! Also, DO NOT try anything new a month or even a week prior to the race. Unless you’re desperate for a solution.

Don’t pride yourself of your ego because of your accomplishments and you’re a know it all. Others have had their fair share of experiences and may provide solutions to get you to the next level. Their could also be information that may be contradicting, but what works for one person, may not help for the other. Also, there’s information out there that could just be an old wise tale and so it’s really up to the individual to come up with conclusions on their own. Again, months of training will help eliminate various strategies. 

Pin point along the way in your training any sort of hindrances that may come along the way. If you are certain to develop some sort of injury along the way, then do what you can to prevent it from flaring up, you’re already dealing with the pain as it is. Be aware of other instances that should occur. Get incite from others you meet or what people have written about. Have some range as far as it happening to you and what you can do to resolve it. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and become the problem solver in your domain.

The famous No Hands Bridge over the American River in Auburn, CA.

Take a Deep Breath

It’s not trivial that trail running often brings you to a state of being in the moment. 

Having self awareness, things that occur within and around you, paying attention to what you are experiencing, and learn to diminish the noise. It’s likely that the neighbor mowing the lawn at 8am and you are suddenly awakened by the obnoxious lawn mower may set you off from the get go. You might get a call from your child’s school that they are suspended for bad behavior. Even worse, you may come into work to only find out that your’e getting the axe.

Simply put, these examples may be light compared to others, but not to compare, it’s these situations that occur and how they are able to deal with it. 

By no means, I am nowhere near being a yogi practitioner or monk. In certain circumstances, I do my best to be a kind person, but l do own up to my failures. Having learned over the past decade and a half, a lot of aggression, anxiety, stress, and depression would occur without me being aware of these feelings. To my knowledge, I can say that these what I believe to be mental disorders have gotten the best of me, but being involved in a sport that gives no mercy, helped turned things around. 

Facing adversity, overcoming challenges, and becoming a better person, was all in part due to trail running. For some reason, allowing yourself to be in pain and taking on a challenge that seems damn near impossible, makes you feel more alive. It dissolves almost anything else 

 that would normally bother us. The good thing is that you realize there are more important matters in your life and you shouldn’t be mad at being awaken by a lawn mower, your kid getting in trouble, or even getting fired. However, resolving issues within yourself may be temporary, you should continue to take measures to learn how to turn negative energy into positive.

Finding Clarity

The morning dew is fresh. The birds are chirping away. The pains are still there.

My mental fortitude is that of being barely conscious, my body is beaten, stomach is mostly empty, and my achilles are on its last bit of tendons staying attached. So it seemed. 

I knew how close Aaron and I was to the finish. We were roughly 10 miles away and not a whole lot of running done. I had to make my family proud. Even though I didn’t have a crowd of people waiting for me, at least I knew my brother Ray and sister in law Alice would be waiting, I couldn’t drop the race with very little left to go. Plus, I had just a couple hours left to make it to the finish, because of course there would be a short 30 hour cut off time for this particular race. 

For anyone else that could relate, knowingly having to dig deep is an automatic given to this length of a race. Regardless, any length of race there’d be reason to dig deep. What I’m getting at is having many hours of digging throughout the race. 

What’s often mentioned about running is getting a runner’s high. Also partly the reason I came up with Runner’s High Vision, but you enter this realm of being in a flow state. You’re more focused on the task at hand and anything that’s in the way, you’ll be motivated and reassure that not even The Incredible Hulk will stop you.

Along the way, with sharp focus and mental clarity, gives a tunnel vision in that all the things that was a nuisance barely has meaning in regards to giving it a reaction. The muscle cramping that occurred, the achilles tendons, are all but temporary pain. Somehow the endorphins surge and suddenly you are on cloud nine. Running through the miles, getting cheers from spectators, is nothing but an extra rush of high that you’ll get. With just a small handful of miles left to the finish, I’m hearing Aaron encourage me, telling me that I’m kicking ass. I couldn’t feel more proud of myself at the moment and was holding back my tears as much as possible. I’m damn near to completing the biggest race of my life…

Bow Toward Acceptance

Keep in mind, you did this to yourself. You decidedly took on a challenge that would succumb to your demise. 

Months of training and dedication for a well performed endurance race doesn’t always go as planned. Having a back up plan or back up plans (depending on the length of the race) will need a variety of methods that will help reduce the “Oh shit” moment to "OK I got this” and deal with the fact that the original plan didn’t go as intended. Now we’re having to deal with plans B,C,D,E, and so on. 

Growing up and especially in adulthood, I’ve had to deal with the pressure of stress, anxiety, and depression, and never knew how to deal with it nor have I sat down with a therapist. It was something I’ve noticed as a child and it was never discussed, mistakes were never learned, and so there were outbursts, that would go off like a loose canon. I often feel shamed for it because my self conscience reveals what emotions I’m going through and it’s up to me to resolve it in a mature manner. After a few short years of trail running, was when I started to learn how to gain better control of these emotions. It’s true, running is a form of therapy.

When it came to trail running, it brought out the best in me. Between a long days training, participating in a trail race, and then having to come into work that same day or the next, brings the suffer fest that keeps my emotions at bay. I’ve learned that finding someone or whatever other reason to put the blame on, isn’t a solution as to resolving why I’m feeling the way I am. Having to stress over why aid stations don’t have certain foods isn’t anything to argue and gripe about. And not knowing whether or not I could finish at a time I’ve been working hard towards, would bring me to a depressive state if I didn’t meet that goal. If I weren’t self aware of these things, then what good is it for me to do these trail runs in the first place?

Fortunately, there was a lot I’ve learned through trail running. Adversity, confidence, emotional awareness, and most of all, love for myself. It’s helped to realize that the little things don’t matter as much, and being able to handle complications, wasn’t overshadowed by a moment of a mental breakdown. I know I’m tough. I know I have grit. It was a development of personal growth that I was experiencing really for the first time in my life. 

Lately, I’ve been able to bask in the sun without being irritated from being hot. Colors seem more vibrant. I’m super grateful, not that I never was, but even more so for the littler things in life. I found through trail running a deep appreciation toward things I overlooked for many years.

Before taking that first step in my first 100 mile endurance run, there was many months of training in preparation that lead me to the start line. My first goal for this race was finishing under 24 hours, if that didn’t work, then maybe finish with 26 hours. Well if that didn’t pan out, then finish under the 30 hour cut off time. Otherwise, do what you can and live another day. It can be heartbreaking if you weren’t able to accomplish the first goal, yet alone if you had to drop out of a big race. I figured that finishing under 24 hours was a lofty goal. Being inflicted with stomach issues, muscle cramps, and a list of other problems that I had experienced in previous shorter races and training runs, I had to chase that dream no matter what. But the reality was, do what you can and claim that victory of finishing a 100 mile endurance run. 

Nearly 40 miles in during the Rio Del Lago 100 Mile Endurance Run, I’ve already dealt with a number of issues. Having slight muscle cramps, stomach turning, and appetite fatigue, I had to face the reality of not being able to finish with my first intended goal and at that point, the option of quitting occurred many times. What I had come to realize was having to accept the troubles I encountered. The inner thoughts wound up putting me in a rabbit hole and thought about my past situations before I started running. Much of how I’ve handled my emotions, decisions I’ve made, and especially opinions and beliefs I had, made me the person that I am. But it didn’t have to define me as a person. Learning acceptance was life changing and that this life is temporary. Having ingrained acceptance led me on a path where stress, anxiety, and depression subsided, in that even if things didn’t go my way, I’m still capable of doing and resolving problems. 

When I was facing the fact that my achilles tendons weren’t cooperating as well, I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t able to do much running, yet I was able to walk most miles. I had to accept during the race that I wasn’t able to take in any calories because of appetite fatigue, yet I was able to utilize my fat storage for energy. I was feeling exhausted and sleepy, yet I was able to stay awake for another few hours. Acceptance was part of my success in finishing my first 100 mile endurance race and helped improve self awareness. 

Appreciation Goes Further

There’s no doubt that we would live for comfortable lives most of the day. Who’d blame them. When it comes to a challenge, maybe getting to the gym for an hour might be fulfilling enough. However, for those type 2 personalities, comfortability has to be earned by enduring a long challenging dreadful day, covered in dirt and sweat. If this type 2 person hasn’t gone a day without the sweat and dirt, then they didn’t earn their right to laying on the couch the rest of the day.  

With the rise of technology over the past decade or so, it seems that social media caused a rampant stir of endorphin rush after getting likes from a new post. Technology remapped our neurons in constantly seeking for something new on our phones. This increase has devalued our appreciation for things and we carry on to find other worldly pleasures. How do we continue or at least rehabilitate this problem? There’s a level of commitment toward a passion or hobby that would allow us to be able to perfect these skillsets, eventually earning a new way of getting an endorphin rush, but it’ll take longer to get there. Yet the reward is beneficial not only to you, but also the community around you. 

Being able to appreciate what we normally take for granted, gives us a different perspective in life. Just like being in my first 100 mile endurance run, not being able to eat for an extensive amount of time because your stomach is rejecting any food from entering, you’d really appreciate any food once your stomach is able to settle. Especially after going through both achilles being strained, you’d be reluctant to walk comfortably a few days after the race. Having this deep appreciation and methods to get there isn’t for everybody, but it’s a right we have to earn in order for us to value laying on the couch or eating that slice of pizza. 

I’ve found the value of the simpler things in life to be more appreciative. In the end, we put such high value toward expensive materials rather than something that was hand made like a knitted scarf. If we don’t lean into a deeper level of appreciation, then it will ruin our lives in a way that people will see you different, see you as a bitter person. Find whatever it is that will give you a challenge, perhaps you’ll have a deeper appreciation for people or things in your life. 

Family support as I’m about to set foot on my first 100 mile endurance run in 2016.

Strength in Adversity

We will always come across challenges in varying degrees. My path of challenges revolve around specifically trail running. Not only is it a speed or distance game, but the terrain and nature is defeating in itself. Climbing up a summit is exhilarating once you’re able to absorb the breath taking views. But starting from the very bottom will have unforeseen complaints and pain along the way. Overcoming the obstacles gives strength to those that take on the challenges and are capable of solving issues that may come.

I was fully aware of many issues that would take place during my first 100 mile endurance run. The struggles and pain was nothing new to me, but being in this race, those struggles and pain will have to be endured for much longer. A lot of thinking and self talk was going through my head, and finding my self worth being part of this race was nothing more than to fulfill my pride. Yet, discovering running on the trails built so much confidence in me that I was capable of doing so much more outside of that. It allowed me to put my emotions at bay, be more accepting of my own faults or even unexpected events that would take place, have full concentration of the task at hand, appreciate the simple things in life, and from these life lessons, arose great strength out of me. 

I find that what it really comes down to is anybody will have great strength when it comes to whatever it is they stand for. When you dig your heels into the ground and embrace any oncoming challenges, it’s those that are willing to take a beating from contenders and come out of it as a new person. They don’t have to win or lose in such situation, just as long as they’re willing to participate and not quit so easily. 

With just over 28 hours of finishing my first 100 mile endurance run, having about an hour and a half to spare, it’s difficult to put into perspective all of the challenges I had to face. The outcome of putting myself through so much pain was worth it in the end. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through the pain I did in order to get the values that I learned from over a days worth of completing a 100 mile race. Although for me, it shown light and a new meaning of life. It may have made me a better person in many ways, but it taught me that even in my darkest moments, I can overcome and climb out of the dark.

If there’s anything you find impossible, within reason, just know it can be done. I never knew in the past that running 100 miles on the trails was a thing, yet alone that I could even do it myself. It made me a stronger person, especially with the adversity I’d come across. What goes on in that head is much more powerful than one may think. When you’re physically and mentally broken, there’s a bit of will power left for reserve that will suddenly give way to keep you standing. Strength and perseverance will get you through adversity and will give you hope and a new meaning in life, just as it did for me.